Beliefs about Giving and Receiving

Welcome to uncomplicated business for teachers helpers and givers. This is episode 11. And I am Sara Torpey. I am so glad you're here with us today. I am a business coach. And my job here in the universe is to help the teachers, helpers and givers of the world, particularly of the business world, do all of their teaching, helping and giving with more ease, less complication and feeling valued, right, this is what matters. For the last couple of weeks, we have been talking about what it's like to over give and how to continue to give big, but not be burned out by giving so much that we're giving to our own detriment. 

And so this episode this week is about our beliefs about giving and receiving. And it can and does stand alone. However, it does also connect with episode nine, which was about how to know if you're giving too much. And Episode 10, which is how to decide what to give and what not to give. If you know you are in the place of over giving and you're burning yourself out. And you know, if you are like someone recently, it was like, well, but will people understand it when you say that? And I say to people all the time, they're like, Oh, God, that's me. So I trust that, you know, if you're in this boat, if this is you, and you want to go back and listen to those two episodes before you do this one, great, if you don't also great, you can do this in whatever order you want. Nothing is you know, I read books series out of order all the time, and I don't die. So what we're going to dive right into here is why first, this matters why we're gonna bother talking about this because you know, we already talked on the last episode about how to decide what you want to give and what you don't want to give in. It's like, oh, well, but I decided what I want to give. And I don't want to give evidence isn't that enough? Yes and no, right? Because here's the thing about giving and receiving, often we have a plan for how much we are going to give, especially if you are someone who gives big and you love giving, we have a plan for like where the line is. And then we come up to the line, we jump across it like it's a little creek on a hike, we go sailing to the other side. And we just keep on giving until we have absolutely nothing left. So making the decisions is part of this process. But what we also have to do in order to make these decisions stick is, is think about what we really believe in the world of giving and receiving. Because when our beliefs about what we want to give and receive, and when it's safe to give and receive don't match up with our plans. Well, then they we do they don't match up with our plans. We don't we don't execute them effectively. So we want to balance given receiving. But if we don't believe that that's a thing that's possible, or we don't believe that we should be able to receive or that it's safe for us to receive or lots of things, then actually taking the steps to rebalance or is going to be really hard. So rebalancing is more is about more than just actions is about both the actions and taking the steps to to really do the mindset work underneath it. Because you know, as a business owner, I would love to tell you, success comes from just action. As a parent, I would love to tell you that success comes from just action. As a teacher, I would love to tell you that success comes from just action. But I know as somebody that has done and does all of these things. It's not just action. It's what I believe also that makes an impact on what I'm able to do and willing to do. So the first step in looking at this is to actually think about what you believe right now about giving and receiving. And knowing that there is no wrong belief, right? There is no wrong way to do this. There is no wrong sense of what you think. But it's really helpful to know what you believe because, for example, like one of the things that I think we think we believe that logically we get is that our the amount we give and the amount we get should be in balance. But what we come to see in our actions is that we are much more willing to give as humans than we are to receive especially if your default setting is giver. So what happens is truly our like deep down belief doesn't match what we logically know. Because if it did our actions, we would we be better at receiving truly, if we believed we were capable of receiving that we deserve to receive that all of these things were true. Like, there wouldn't be an imbalance, the imbalance exists because of things we think about giving and receiving. So, if my actions are all give no receive, then it's probably not true that I actually truly believe that I am worthy of receiving things that I am worthy of having giving and receiving be in balance. Right does that hopefully that makes sense? It feels like I just tucked in a big circle, but I don't think I did. So one of the things this belief about it's safe to have giving and receiving be in balance. And not actually believing that in your little soul in my little soul is really, really common. Like, logically we get it. But the actuality of believing it is very different. One of the other things that I see all the time and clients is that we believe that giving is in our control, but receiving is not. That's not actually true. Receiving is just as much in our control as giving. And I wonder if you actually believe that it's taken me some time and some practice to actually believe that I've had to really work on that one. But I see it in clients all the time, where they're like, Well, I can control how much I give, but I can't control what I get in return. And that is both true and not true. So think about where you are in that what you actually believe, if you believe receiving is entirely out of your control, like why, and what if that wasn't the case. Another really common place that this all gets hung up is, is in our expectations about what we should receive, in what way I think beliefs and expectations kind of run parallel for me. So if you have expectations about what it's okay for you to receive, or what it's okay for you to give. One of my recurring struggles here is a really good example. One of the things that I think all the time that I really have to be intentional around, is that I when I go to do something new, or I change a price, or I change a program, or I add an offer, or I do something slightly different, the thought that works its way in that sort of worms its way underneath is often that's too much to ask of them. And it is very much about the way I think about it is I feel like it's like me asking a favor of someone to ask them to pay a little bit more than they would have or to buy something different or to use my service. It's me thinking about receiving as taking instead of as allowing someone else to give. So like when I think it's too much to ask of somebody, it's like I am trying to take something from them that they don't want to give me. But that's not real. So I have this belief that in order to get what I need, or I've had this belief that in order to get what I need I have to take from somebody else that like the the the amount of resources in the universe are limited. And that's not real. That's not right. Right. Like, there's, there's more than enough that, that or people are willing to give, there's this never ending flow of willingness to give that we as givers know exists because we have it that we forget other people have to.

And I find that when I am doing something new, I feel like I'm taking from them that I am like taking some finite resource. And when I sit back and I think oh well, but I am able to receive what they are willing to give. And I can allow them to give and I can allow myself to receive versus of thinking it like a bit like taking feels totally different. The other thing that I work on a lot personally as a business owner is, you know, especially as someone who was a teacher for many years who always intended to be like a public school lifer, right, who never planned on making any real money to speak of, is I have had to really work on the thought that it is safe to make money. Like that is literally safer for me to make more money than it is for me to make less money. That that is something I can choose to believe. And so that is receiving money is receiving right. So it's looking at both what you're willing to receive probably more likely and what you're willing to give up And, and the money part of it, because the money part is about receiving and what it's safe. So there are a couple of areas that I would propose you take some time to examine. And so here's the list. And then we're going to talk a little bit about how to do that. So the first is what do you actually believe about giving and receiving? Right, like, what do you actually believe? The second is, what are your expectations about giving and receiving? Do you expect that you have to give more than you get? Do you expect that people are not going to give you back? What you give? Do you expect imbalance? Do? Do you expect that people aren't going to value you as much as you value them? And what else do you expect? The third space is that what do I think it's safe to do in giving and receiving? Like, what do I actually believe is safe? Do I believe the only safe way is to give more than I receive? Like, is that true? Or is it really safer in the long run? To have the things in balance? Like where do you want to? Where do you feel safe now? And where do you want to find safety in the future? And how do we get there? The next question is What feels and sounds unsafe? Like just the idea that you could make more money, in business or in whatever you're doing right now, then you made as a teacher, than you had ever intended to make as a teacher? Like, does that feel entirely unsafe? Does it feel unsafe? That you're asking more to people, for people to pay you more per hour now than you made as a teacher? Like and why? You know, is it actually unsafe? Or is it just your brain going holy cow, we never expected this to be possible. And then the last. And this is like a key key key question here is what's the difference between what I want to receive and what I feel safe receiving? Because there is a difference? Like there is a difference between I want to make $300,000, and I don't feel safe receiving that amount of money, right? Like, there is a distance to bridge there. There is a distance between I want to make a million dollars, and I don't feel safe receiving 100,000. Right? I don't feel safe people paying me more than $100 an hour. Like it's pretty tough to get to a million dollars if nobody ever pays you more than $100 an hour. Like you're gonna doesn't even add up. Right? So what is the distance between what you want and what you feel safe with? And how do we bridge that gap? So here's the thing with questions like this, what people tell me all the time is like, I asked this question of myself, and then I just like, stare at the paper. Yeah, sometimes that's gonna happen. Because your brain has this cool strategy of going totally blank when it doesn't want to talk about something. This is this is true. Like we this is a survival tactic, isn't it? It's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing in here. Sorry. Not available right now. You know, in privacy, please on the doorknob. It is okay. If the first time you ask yourself this question, your brain is like what? Ask it again. Come back the next day, ask it again. Come back the next day, ask it again. Just keep asking and see what unfolds. And like sometimes I'll even go as far in my journal to start writing. Like, I don't know how to answer this question. I don't know where to begin. And slowly, it'll just begin itself. It's weird. I let it come to me versus trying to force it out of my brain. The other thing is that once you have thought about what you want to believe in terms of giving and receiving and what, what the distance is between what you want to believe and what you believe, right now, it would be really useful if you may have already made some decisions from the last episode about what you want to give and what you feel safe giving and what you're not sure about and where your boundaries are, and giving, like, what's free, what's paid all of those things. Once you've really thought about your beliefs about giving and receiving, it is useful to go back to this set of things and and just check in it and see if you need adjustment. See if there were cases where you are still kind of out of balance because you were thinking about giving and receiving differently. So it's just like a recheck, you know, and maybe everything is still perfectly aligned and that's great. But maybe you're like ooh, okay, well, the distance between what I want and this is too far. So okay, so once you've made those adjustments, Since then, you know, you're slowly rounding into a place where you're like, oh, maybe giving and receiving can line up. Hmm, that'd be crazy, right. So this is sort of part three of this series. Next, we're going to talk about boundaries for givers. That is going to be the episode next week. And then we're going to talk about what happens when you totally toss those boundaries. Because here's the thing about boundaries, they're great, and we're going to screw them up. So we're going to talk about both how to set the boundaries and how to have them be flexible, and then how to break them and still survive, because both of those things are important. And if you are not in my Facebook group, which is also the same name of this podcast, it's called uncomplicated business for teachers helpers and givers, you should come. We've been doing all kinds of great things in October in November. And then in December, we're going to do a planning event for 2023. It is going to be I think, the 12th 14th and 15th of December, it is 100%. Free, it is 100% useful. It is one of my favorite things that we do in there every year, I think this is the fourth year of it, it is really well attended. It's super useful, and it's for you. So if you are running a business, and you are trying to plan for the new year without it being like a huge thing that you spend days upon days on, like, this is the way to do it. Because we're going to make it efficient, we're going to make it useful, we're going to make it feel really good. And you're going to walk away with like an actual plan. It's gonna be amazing. So come join us for that if you haven't already. And the last thing is this. Listen, I am a business coach. I work with people one on one, I work with people in small groups. And in this new year and 2023, I will have a class. You can work with me any of these ways, but really the fastest way for you to get what you need right now and walk into 2023. And a really good place where things feel simple and straightforward. And like you're making progress day in and day out is one on one coaching. I have a spot or two open right now. I am happy to work with you. I am great at helping you see what's good in your business and use that to your advantage. We make things simple. We make them focused, there is accountability, and you make progress. This is the way it works. It matters to me that you get what you need, and you get where you're going. And it is a life changing kind of thing to have someone else in your business with you where it matters as much to them as it matters to you. That is the kind of coaching we do. And if you want that kind of coaching, send a message. You can find me on Facebook or LinkedIn. You can send me an email at Sara at Torpey coaching.com. Or you can go to my website which is Torpey coaching.com. And just book yourself a time to chat. I would love to spend the time to know you and in know how I could help you please come. Alright. And I'll see you next week on how to set some boundaries as a giver. See you then