UNcomplicating Business for Teachers, Helpers, and Givers

How to Make CHANGE Easier

July 19, 2022 Sara Torpey Season 1 Episode 78
UNcomplicating Business for Teachers, Helpers, and Givers
How to Make CHANGE Easier
Show Notes Transcript

As the saying goes, the only constant in life is CHANGE. 

Logically, we all get that change is just a part of life, and so much of the time we actively WANT and WELCOME change... but that doesn't mean it's fun. 

Welcoming change doesn't mean it's not hard. 

On this episode of the podcast, we're talking about change - why it's hard (even when we WANT IT SO BAD), what's ACTUALLY normal, and how we can make the process of change EASIER on ourselves, from the inside out. 

Listen on to get ALL the goodness! 

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Welcome, welcome. Welcome to another episode of the Teachers in Business podcast. This is episode number I don't even know 77 - 78 I lie. I'm Sara Torpey. I am the host here of this particular party. And today we are going to talk about change. So I am in the process of building out a workshop that I'm giving to a company that helps teachers transition into a particular kind of role. They teach teachers how to get corporate roles and instructional design and all this stuff. And what the workshop I'm building for them is all about change and transition and how to manage change and transition. And so what I realized the other day is that I really like what I'm building, and I'm terrible at keeping things a secret. So what I wanted to do was share some of what I'm building here, because change is hard, right? Logically, we as humans, we all get that change is a part of life. And so much of the time logically, we both actively want and welcome change. But emotionally, we're like, I think I'm good. Like I'd rather not let me go back to staying the same because that's safe, right? Like we logically want to welcome it at the same time that we want to run as far and as fast as the other direction as we can possibly get. So today, what I want to share is what I'm building about how what's actually hard about change, like why is it so hard, even when we're like, Oh God, I need this change so bad. What's actually normal in change in how we can make the process of change easier on ourselves through what we do in our brains, not by trying to control what other people do, which is very much how I react to change I try to control other people in that doesn't work. So a few things. Just a few other notes before we jump in. There are lots of other places to get what I share here. If you're not connected to me on LinkedIn and you want to be and you love LinkedIn come let's connect on LinkedIn. If you are not in my free Facebook group, it is an amazing place. And in 10 days or so on the 27th of July, I am doing a free workshop and they're all about networking, I think I titled it How to Network (and not hate it yourself or the other people). So if networking is something you want to do more of, and you want to not hate it, this workshop is just for you. Because I totally remember starting my business I first want to end the coaching business and starting to network and thinking like oh my god, this is horrific and then avoiding it and not meeting new people and not growing as a result. So what I want to give people in my group and you know on the 27th is sort of the primer version of how to really network and not hate it all and and find people you love because that's going to make all the difference. The other thing to keep in mind is that there are lots of ways to work with me. So if the kinds of things I share on this podcast really do suit you and you think like okay, this is really useful know that the stuff I share for free is only a fraction of the things that I do with clients. So this is free and amazing and wonderful. And if it's all you ever use for me and it helps you fantastic. But if you want more, you can schedule a one bite coaching session which is I think $200 and there 90 minutes and there is no sales pitch and you just like schedule it and we coach and we move on. That is not the best version of working with me because I want to be able to help you more than once. And the two other options are to work with me one on one because really that is the biggest change for your buck like that gets me in your business with you helping you simplify and adjust and change and grow and price and sell and invite and all the things right now and we untangle all the stuff we untangled time and everything else with it or you can join my group program the next round of which will be in October. So and we do all of the same kinds of things I do with clients in my group program. It is a very small group it is limited to four people because I am a firm believer in everybody getting individual attention but also being to able to leverage the glory and the the good that comes from it. collaboration. So if you're thinking about working with me, and you'd rather work with me sooner than later, one bite or one on one or the way, otherwise, if you're thinking group program, keep your eye out towards the end of the summer, that will all come up and the spots will go fast. Because because it's a great deal. It's like a bananas deal. So from here, let's talk change. So I'm going to do this in three parts. The first is, what actually is hard about change, because we know logically, that change is like good. But we also know it's hard. So for me, I made a list the other day of all the things I think are difficult about change, it was quite a list. For me, the list goes like this, it is changes unknown. So there's a lot of uncertainty. And we humans don't do uncertainty. So well. The other thing that's hard is that there is a perceived or even real lack of control of what's going on. And if you are like me, I am a teacher. I like to have control of the boat, I want to drive the car, I want to run the classroom, I want to be the boss, I want to be in charge. And this lack of control really, like gets me every time where when things feel out of control, it makes me really nervous. The another thing is that, you know, change is newness, and new feels unpredictable. It just feels new. Like we don't know what to expect. It's different. And that's not not a fun feeling all the time change additionally can just bring up a lot of fears, right? How is it going to work? What's going to happen? What if this old thing that I used to do comes up, you know, I was talking to a client earlier this week. And she's in the midst of a change a life change with her youngest going to college. And in her business, all of these old fears, things she used to do are coming up, because they are a reaction to change. Like she is not going to fall into any of these old habits. It's been years since she was in some of these old habits. But they're coming up in her brain as things shift that might happen. And that are scary, because that's it's just fear, sort of manifesting itself in any way your brain can get it out. And that's that's kind of what happens. Change is also uncomfortable. And we don't like to be uncomfortable, like uncomfortable, feels hard. It's like wearing a shirt you don't like all day, you get to the end of the day, and you're like I just want to put on my pajamas. So I totally get it. And, you know, all of this makes change difficult. But I think that as we think about change, one of the things that really helps me is to know what's normal. So normal in change is a lot of things. There's a lot more than normal about what happens when our brains are going through change than we realize, we take all of the things that aren't working right. And we think like oh my god, I'm not doing this, right. In fact, they're all really, really normal. And we can see that when other people are going through a change rate when our kids are changing when our partner, when our friends and family are going through change. Like we give them all the grease, we see all the things and when we're going through change. We're like what's wrong with me? Holy crap. So things that are normal, when you're changing, you are going to feel overwhelmed in behind. Like that's just par for the course you're going to feel overwhelmed, things are going to feel new, your brain is going to freak out. And it's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. What happens is we feel overwhelmed and we feel behind and we're like, Oh no, this is wrong. And so we either stop or we change or we do something else, rather than just going like, okay, you know what, I feel overwhelmed sometimes during change, I'm just going to keep on keeping on right? That's the trick to this. This next thing that is really normal is is mourning is feeling a little guilty. I say this as someone who always knew I would be a teacher. I knew through elementary school that I would teach in a classroom someday. And today I don't for the most part and the students I do teach still today I teach online from my desk. So I when I left teaching, and when I decided to fully not go back there was all kinds of sadness and guilt I felt there was mourning to be done and it took me a long time to recognize that and to see it as such. Because I think that I wasn't I didn't realize it was a thing about change. And so you know, there's a whole bunch of Brene, brown things about mourning change that I think are relevant here. But I think if you are feeling sad and like, there's something to grieve, it's okay. That's part of, you know, change and evolution. And as we change, we leave things, we leave people, we leave jobs, we leave versions of ourselves. And that's, that's, that's something right, it's worth acknowledging and giving time and space to. It's also really normal to fixate on trying to control things that are not in your control. So when I am going through change, I really, really like to fixate on timing, I am in the process of doing it to a web designer right now. Because I'm getting ready to do a new version of my website. And I have been asking her all the questions about like, how the timing is going to work out. And when she means what, and trying to plan through basically like October, which is ridiculous, because I can't plan what's going to happen at the end of next week right now. So that is me, I recognized that this morning. That's me trying to control a process of change, that that like isn't to be controlled. So I fixate on timing. So many of my clients fixate on how, like if someone would just tell me how so when you feel yourself going like well, but I just need to know the right answer. I just need to know the right way. How do I do this? That's that's trying to control change. And logically, we know that's bananas. But emotionally, we're like, hell yeah, I want to control change. The next thing is failure, like failing while you're changing is normal. And we don't like it, but it's the truth. You're gonna learn and you're gonna learn and you're going to hear no, and you're going to feel uncomfortable, and people are going to push back at you. In that's just part of what happens when we change. And it's not pretty all the time. But if we know it is a part of the process, like I am going to fall on my face, it's like, oh, okay, I fell on my face. Oh, I was gonna do that is very different than Oh my God, why did I do this, which we've all thought, or maybe just I've thought at some point or another. So when you're in that change, it's gift stuffs gonna go wrong. That's just the nature of the game. The other thing that I think is really interesting about change is, I think we forget is that other people who we love, who we know who we don't know, who are close to us who are not close to us are going to have thoughts about our change, and they are going to share them. And those thoughts about our change, the change we're making are entirely about them and not about us. That I think was one of the biggest highs for me when I left teaching when we moved from where we lived to where we live now, a bunch of years ago now. The people that came out of the woodwork to tell us that we were making the wrong choice. Or astounding, because they were people we knew and loved and to, like we know root for us still today, we're all still friends. But at the moment, like the change for us was so scary for them. That like they couldn't see it clearly. And it was like whoa, like I had people. When I left teaching, who were I considered very good friends, just like straight stop talking to me, because they didn't know what to do with me anymore. It was fascinating. But there are going to be other people that have feelings about change, and fears about change that they then project onto you because you're changing. And that's just kind of the nature of it. You are also going to have fears and doubts. You're going to doubt yourself. I had a client say to me yesterday, like Am I really allowed to do this? My brain just thinks like, gosh, am I capable of this? The answer is yes. Because you wouldn't have gotten as far down this road if you weren't. And you're always going to figure it out. But your brain has other things to say because change is scary. There is also going to be a tendency to avoid and procrastinate and learn versus do. When you are changing. This is normal. We all get the like why am I not doing the thing? Why am I avoiding the thing? I don't know why I'm avoiding this. Like I just can't seem to do the thing. So many clients come to me and are like, I just need more accountability. Or we just need to like acknowledge that sometimes we do things when we're ready. I always think of it like baking like I can want the brownies to be done in 10 minutes in the oven, but they need 20 Or maybe 25. And yeah, I might take them out at 20 because I do like them a little gooey. But taking them out at 10 minutes just means I have Grab a soup. Like that doesn't mean it's ready. So sometimes we have to acknowledge that readiness comes with time. And that's not procrastinating, there's a difference. We can be nicer to ourselves than, than what we typically are. And then the last thing that I think is really normal and transition is, quote, unquote, wasted time. I personally am not a believer in that wasted time is actually a thing. I think all of our time is spent the way we choose to spend it for a reason. And sometimes we just don't know the reason. But you when you are changing will waste, quote, unquote, time, because you will need space for your brain to catch up with the things going on. And you will need to zone out and stare at the walls and watch bridgerton I'm not saying that anyone recently did that through change. But, you know, it might be a good way to zone out if you need something. two seasons of Britain were exactly the antidote I needed. But like, that's just part of what happens as we change. Change is a heavy emotional lift. It may not be a we may not see it, but the inside change happens. And it's a lot of work. And that's okay. So, change is normal. Change is hard. Now, what do we do with it? Like, here's the key question like, how do I make this easier? Well, I think the first thing that makes it easier is to normalize the stuff that comes with it, to know what's normal, about changing and the things that we do that feel like they're slowing us down or just part of the process. Like to go like, Oh, wait, I feel overwhelmed as normal. Oh, wait, other people have thoughts about my change. That was going to happen. Oh, wait, I'm fixating on time. Yep, I am. And I don't need to I'm trying to control something out of my control, normalizing it is part of the game. The other thing I think is really helpful is to be really careful about the words we choose to use to ourselves. Like, I have a client right now who tells me all the time she's flailing. She's not. There's nothing flailing about what she's doing. She's doing great. With a with a like, I think I have changed in my life. She's got me beat 10 times over, she's got a lot of change going on around her right now. She's like, I'm drowning, I'm drowning. She's not, it's like, you know, when you're like in the movies, when somebody gets dumped in the lake, and they start screaming about they're drowning, and then they put their feet down on the ground, and they're only water up to their waist. She's, it's really about how we tell ourselves. And so she and I have been talking about how one of the alternatives is when she hears herself say like, I'm drowning, I'm flailing, she can go away. You know what, I'm okay. It feels like a lot. And I'm going to figure it out. It's okay to acknowledge that it feels like a lot. But continuing to be like I'm drowning, I'm drowning. I'm drowning just makes you feel like you're drowning. I do this to myself, where I'm like, I don't have enough time. I don't have enough time. And then I start feeling really pressured. But if I can catch myself, and I don't all the time, I do a fair amount because I practice and then think like, oh, wait, it's not that I don't have enough time. It's that I'm just feeling really pressured right now I'm going to figure it out. It takes the drama down, like 10 steps. So another thing that really helps in change is as you're changing, part of what happens, especially if you're changing roles, from like teaching entrepreneurship, or teaching to a corporate role, or corporate role to entrepreneurship doesn't matter is that you are going to have to figure out how to be in a new set of people and world. And so I worked with a coach, her name is Simone soul for a while. And one of I think the things that she taught in that in the group that I was in, was that there is a difference between belonging and fitting in, and that belonging is something we choose. So I choose to believe that I belong in the business world, you can choose to believe you belong with the set of new people. And when you choose to belong, you might fit in you might not. But if you belong, it's immaterial. So can you choose to belong to this new thing you're becoming? And then there's some practical things. So that's the mindset half right? The practical half is like, don't get too far ahead of yourself. I know you I told you a story about my website earlier. I'm trying to plan for October right now in my brain. What I really need to be doing is focusing on the first thing that the web designer needs from me which is for me to sign the contract, I need to focus on the two steps in front of my face, rather than steps 29 through 40. So for you, when you start to be like, oh, gosh, there's lots, stop, and be like, Alright, wait, what are the next two steps, rather than the next 25. And tell your brain that we'll deal with the next 25. When we get to them, we're not there yet. The other thing is to step back just one step, and focus on the trend of change, rather than the day to day. Because day to day change, some days are great, and some days are shit. Like, it just is what it is, some days are going to be exactly what you want. And some days you're going to be like in bed, wondering why you did this. Or watching bridgerton. Again, it's okay, day to day, the variation and how we feel is huge. And that is part of being human. But over time, over weeks over months, you're growing, you're changing, you're doing the things if you look back six months from now, you've grown so much to the person you were from the person you were in January, or in 2021 or 2020. That is the trend versus the day to day, look at the trend step back and be like, Wait, where was I six months ago? Where was I six weeks ago? Where was I six years ago? Oh, it is working? Another thing is to ask yourself, What's in your control? This is one I do all the time. It's like, Wait, okay, hold on, what's in my control right now and what's not, because there are plenty of things that are in your control. In my control. And often I am so busy trying to control the things that are not mine, I forget that they I do have things I can control. So check in, like when you feel like things are out of control, or where things aren't moving forward? are you controlling things that are yours? Or are you trying to control things that don't belong to you, because you don't get to drive the other person's car, you get to drive yours. And then lastly, I think, and this is two parts, you know, I think it's really, really vital. And this is a mindset thing, but also a practical thing to remember that although other people have thoughts about your change, change is scary for them to deep down the vast majority, I'd say 95% of the people you know and love, even when they have thoughts about your change, they are rooting for you. There's a whole world of people out here as your changing rooting for you that want your change to work that are amazed by what you're doing. That cannot get over how you have the wherewithal and the the willingness and the ability to jump in and take the risk that they themselves don't feel like they have that they're amazed by and they can't wait to see what's next. Remember that that is their to even amongst their doubt, they might share their doubt. But they're also amazed. They're also in your corner, they're also going to buy from you or support you or send someone to you. It's just that, like, they have doubts too. And they're scared. It's okay. So here's the thing. The thing we need most of when we're changing is grace. Truth, it's not you want to hear, but it's okay. To be kind to ourselves. It's okay to be patient with change. I was explaining to a client the other day, that's when we are mean to ourselves and change. It's sort of like trying to swim in a race. I was a swimmer in college. It was I compare it to like if I was swimming in a race in college, and halfway through the race, someone poured a whole ton of gelatin in the pool and turn the water to jello. When we're mean to ourselves. We're swimming through jello. Do you really want to make yourself swim through jello just because you're deciding that while it's okay for other people to give themselves grace and change, it's not okay for you. That's super messed up. We should stop doing that. Take the jello out of the pool, go back to swimming like a normal version. It's okay to be nice yourself. And change really is okay. And there are people rooting for you. So if I can be helpful to you as you're going through change, it is really useful to have a coach in your corner who's like, Oh, hey, guess what you're normal. And then for you to be like, ah, gotta hate her. But like it does, it does really make a tremendous difference, to help you ease the process of change, to simplify it, to normalize it to tell you what's normal and what's not to help you make the choices you're trying to make so that you don't have to make them 10 times you can only make them two. That is what I do with clients. If you are changing and you need help along the way, please reach out come for one bite. Come coach with me one on one calm join my group come join my free Facebook group you are welcome in all the places and if you have a question about this or anything else, please reach out and finally, if you love this podcast if this has been really useful for you please, you are welcome to share it you're welcome to rate it and review it on Apple podcasts or wherever you're listening because that is how other people find it and all of that support is appreciated. I will see you all next week.