Success BEGINS as an inside job. On this episode of Teachers in Business, I'm sharing the last of THREE steps to creating success from the inside out. Part 3 is about everyone's least favorite thing - failure. Today I'm making the case for EMBRACING failure rather than avoiding it. Yes, you *logically* know already that this is a good idea, but what you don't realize is that it's already HAPPENING in your world. You're doing a better job of this than realize, and KNOWING this will help you to embrace failure with even more enthusiasm. Ultimately, our failures are the building blocks of our success, and reframing failure in this way might help you to be more okay with falling on your face (because it's going to happen either way...)
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Welcome, welcome to episode 64. Whoo. So this is the third in a series of three, which I think actually is gonna turn out to be a series of four, called success from the inside out. Today we are going to talk about embracing failure, and I get it, this one probably already gives you a little bit of hives when I, this is actually the series of things as part of a talk I give in public. And when I give this talk in public, this is the part where people like, cringe and start to like hide in their shirts in won't look at me, because this is the really uncomfortable part of talking about success. But we can't talk about success without talking about embracing failure. So that's what we're going to do. Before I start though, I want to tell you two quick things. If you are not in my Facebook group, which is called Teachers in Business, you should be calm join us. And if you're not on my email list, when you join the group, drop me your email, and you can join there, my emails are super helpful, and full of good things. The second thing is, in April, I am going to be running a free training workshop, all about how to sell without feeling icky about it. This is something I talk about quite a bit with clients. This is something I think about quite a bit. As a coach, it's really something I am deeply passionate about, I think there is, you know, particularly for the teachers of the world, the helpers, the people that are here in service to others, there is a big giant Sales Machine out there that people try to teach us how to use and doesn't feel good to us. So when we try to use it, it feels gross, and we don't like it. And so we don't do it. And then we don't sell things because we don't like it and it feels gross. And this training is all about not doing that this training is going to be all about, you know, noticing the machine for what it is. And in choosing something different because there is a different way I use it, I teach my clients to do it, I share it in my group all the time. And it works a lot better for the helpers of the world. So keep your eye out in my Facebook group on my email list for those things. I'll talk about it here on the podcast podcast. But to get access, you're going to need to be on my email list. So let us talk about failure. So failure is, is the key. I hate to tell you this. And today, I'm going to make the case for embracing failure rather than avoiding it. And I know that you logically already know this is a good idea. But what you don't notice, I think, is that you're like yes, yes, embrace failure, okay, I don't want to do that. So I don't, so I try really hard not to fail. The thing is, is it's impossible not to fail. Like there's no world in which we live in which we don't have 50% failure and 50% success. So you're already failing. And what you don't realize is you're already doing a better job of embracing failure than you know. And so when you know this about yourself, it gets a whole lot easier to embrace it effectively. Because it's already a part of what you're doing. So let's talk about how to embrace failure. So the thought shift we're making here is all of these have been about thought shifts, right? If you've been playing along, the thought shift we're making today is from I'm afraid to fail, because most of us are like being afraid to fail is normal, We are all afraid to fail. But the shift is from I'm afraid to fail to fail failures, the foundation of my success. Ultimately, this piece is really about resilience. It's about how to build from where you are to where you want to be. So the key question here that I think we all have to ask ourselves, and it's not a fun one it is and it isn't. The key question, though, is what version of failing, are you most afraid of? And when I asked this in live trainings, people are like, Oh my god, don't ask me that. They like can't look at me, they won't. They won't look up from their papers. They're like, write down the question. And they're like, Nope, don't look at me. And here's the thing like, I don't make people answer this in public, unless they want to. But what I will tell you is a story of mine. And I have one about a client that she shared with me that she is okay with me sharing. So for me, the most. The version of failing I'm most afraid of is probably something that you guys all have which is public failure. And I will tell you this is something I have done like I have had the public failures. And in some of them have been more public than others, right. So for me, one of my most vivid failure memories happened in a conference room in front of a ton of people. I was it was way back a billion years ago, a lifetime ago when I was coaching teachers. And part of that role was leading summer workshops. So we had had our first summer workshop, we had created it from the ground up my partner and I, with a couple other people. And the next year, we would go to this basically, the way it works is you went to a retreat, a planning retreat with all the leaders from across all the school districts, and all the facilitators and all the district peer personnel and all these people. And you, you planned ahead a little bit, and then you presented your ideas to this group. And they like yay or nay do and so the year before we had built this thing, and it was really successful. And it went really well. We're like, cool. So ahead of this planning retreat, we sat down, and we agreed what we wanted to do. And so we went to the spring retreat, and we had our they called it a critical friends meeting. And so we had our critical friends meeting with all the leadership. And basically we got up and shared our plans that we were like, super proud of and they were like, cool, yes, that's garbage. It's not going to happen. Go back and start from scratch. And PS we expected better of you. And, and I'm sure you right now can feel what I felt right then which was like, oh, oh my God. Because not only was it public and embarrassing, but like it hurts because we had thought we were on a good track and Oh, God. And when I want to say it was like delivered more nicely than that. I mean, it probably was, but in a lot of ways they were into like the truthful, honest feedback. So maybe, maybe not. And, you know, I will say that at that time, we my partner and I, the people I worked with, we remember sitting out in the hallway, in this like hotel conference room complex, and like talking about whether we decided to go home, right, then like, do we want to leave? Do we want to bail on this like this? We don't want to do this. And, and it was like, okay, hold on. So we like shook it off. And we went back in, we started over. But we had to start over, basically in front of all the people. And God It like makes me sweaty to remember it right now. Because everything we thought was going to work wasn't. And so you know, I felt ashamed a little bit. And we really did talk about leaving, but we didn't. So eventually we went back and we started again. And we took the feedback you use sort of graciously, I want to say but I don't know how gracious we were about it. I think we were eventually but initially I don't know. And in we got more feedback, we had more critical friends meetings, there were some bad words, and we built something in the end, that was much, much better. Now I think we've all had experiences where you're like, What do you mean, my first draft is garbage. And then somebody helps you see it again, you do the next one? You're like, oh, yeah, first draft was garbage. But it's hard to hear. And so, you know, this was it felt like in that day in that room like a an epic public failure. But ultimately, a couple months later wasn't. And I think that's the thing about failure, right? Failure is the building block of success. We build the next best thing out of falling on our faces, and it's sucks. But there is no giant success without giant failure. I was just talking to this, about this to a friend yesterday. And we were talking about how out on the internet. You see all of these people that are like succeeding so big and everything is going so well. And they made like a billion dollars in five minutes. But what they don't tell you is they've also lost $1,000,000,000.05 minutes before, like these are the people that have publicly flamed out that have had all their businesses go ridiculously badly. Like I know a coach who charges $50,000 to work with people for a year and he has also gone bankrupt twice. So you know like he has really big successes and also like catastrophic failures. And so I think that there's something to be said for that. Like if you want the big giant success you also have to take the Giant risks. That's how it works. What are the other versions of this? Like? What are you most afraid to fail? Like? What version are you most afraid of is what one of my clients that I talk about all the time, it's that people will think a certain thing about her. Like, she sometimes goes to post on the internet and is like, well, I didn't say it quite like that, like I would normally say, because I don't want people to think X. Like, I don't want people to think that I'm just here selling to them. I don't want people to think that I am trying to sell to my friends, I don't want people to think X, Y, or Z. And here's the thing that I have to answer this for you like, there are going to be things that people think of you that you don't like, and I think we all know that. But the thing that I find really freeing in here is that no matter what I'm worried about what people will think about me, someone has already thought it. Now think about that for a second. Think about whatever it is that you're afraid people will think of you that you're selling to friends that you're you don't know what you're doing that you're not qualified that you don't have any right to be doing this that like whatever your version of this is, or 10 versions of this is, someone has already thought it about. Like they have already thought whatever that terrible thing is, and you did not expire on the spot. Your limbs did not fall from your body, your hair did not fall off your head, you did not die from it, you didn't even know what happened. You know, probably it's somebody you know, and they still smile to your face and love you. But they have thought thoughts that you don't like about you, and you didn't die. So here's the thing, that's gonna happen again, that's a part of business. But are you willing to let people think things about you that you don't like, in order to serve the people you want to serve? Because I am and I and I have had people like on, unprovoked, I say unprovoked but like I share things on the internet. And I have people respond to them. I probably have a couple of months at this point that come at me and are like, How dare you talk to teachers about leaving and doing something else? Like who do you think you are taking teachers who are good out of the system, encouraging them to lead businesses when they're not qualified to do that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have people say stuff like that to me. But you know what, they're not my people. They're not why I'm here. So that's not what I do. And that's going to be the same for you in any business context, in any leadership context, in any outside of what you're doing right now, context, because there are going to be other people in your world that have thoughts about change, that don't fit you, you know, years and years ago. My husband was transferred, We live where we are now because he was transferred for his job. And we lived before this, we lived very like two towns over from where husband grew up. We had a great house, we had a great little neighborhood, we had lots of friends, all his friends from high school were very close by. And when we got news that his company was being bought, and they were like, Okay, you can move or you can go find a new job. You know, I would say seven out of 10 of the friends we had at the time, and we are friends with those people still. But I would say 70% were roundly horrified that we would think of moving away. We didn't move across the country. We moved like two hours west. We didn't move that far. They all still see us. But you know, like people that I worked with in the school system were beside themselves, that I would leave a 10 year teaching job, that I would leave coaching teachers that I would leave the position I was in they were floored when I said I was leaving. And they were like, are you insane? But you know what, this is the best thing we ever did. Why? Really, truly, it's one of the best choices we've made for ourselves, for our family, for finances for 1000 things. And yet, you know, a good seven out of 10 of people who loved us and who still love us. We're like, Man, that's a terrible idea. So you are going to have people that don't get it. You're going to have people that don't like it. We had friends that didn't talk to us after we left that could not wrap our heads or heads around it. And it was like well, okay, that's just that's their thing, though, not mine. I had to do what I had to do. We had to do what we had to do. People are going to have thoughts about you. So One of the things I like to think about this, as is in pictures, so it's a little hard to express you this picture in a podcast. But there's this thing I have on social media, it's in my book, the book is called just keep going, you can get on Amazon, it is one of the charts in that book. And it's called Success pyramid. And if you imagine like a pyramid of bricks, that has four levels, there's four on the bottom, then three on the next level, then two, then one at the top. Success is the top brick. But what it is created of underneath that top brick is all the things that we go for it don't want. It's made up of mistakes, and disappointment and embarrassment, and risks you took in small fields and big fails and learning in adjustment. And also like, you know, the accidental victories, you know, the times where you're like, I'm gonna do this thing. Oh, God, that worked. And I didn't mean for it to, I really did expect that to fail, but it didn't. It's creative, all of that your success is built on all of those things. So if you are trying to avoid the ugly stuff, the failures, the disappointments, the mistakes, the embarrassment, all of that, you're also avoiding success. You cannot avoid failure, because of failure is the foundation of success. Ultimately, this thought shift this shift from, I'm afraid to fail to I'm embracing failure to failures, the foundation of my success is about resilience. This is part of how you go like you know what, I am going to fail, things are going to hurt, it's going to be hard. But I'm going to get back up. Knowing this, knowing that you are resilient, knowing that you're going to get back up when you fall down is a key to helping you move forward, because you're gonna need to pick yourself back up. Like I had a client the other day say to me, but you know what, that's scary. So how do I do it when it's scary? And I just sort of looked at her and it's in a it was in a group coaching call. And one of the other members of the group said, you know the answer to that and kind of laughed internally. But the other member of one of the other McDarrah, the girl that was asking them that was asking questions that, Oh, I'm scared, and I just do it anyway. Yeah, you're scared and you just do it anyways. Man, I feel you I'm here in this with you. I'm scared and I do it anyways. But if you know it's okay to fail, if you know you're gonna get back up. You don't need to procrastinate or be perfect or wait or do any of those things that we talked about back when we were talking about stuckness? You just need to step back up and keep going. That's it. So this is about embracing failure, if you know, so ask yourself, what kind of failure are you afraid of? What are you afraid people are thinking of you? And how can you embrace that? Like, what are the big risks you want to take? What does that look like? How will it feel? And then if you're like, Oh, God, I don't want to do this alone. This is what coaches do. This is what I do. Please come talk about coaching. COMM have a free one hour call, let's talk about what you're afraid of. In maybe at the end of the call, you're like you know what, I feel better. I'm good, great, cool. Go, go, go with Grace go on in your day. Or maybe they're like, you know, I really do need a partner in this. And that is what I do. As a coach, I stand by your side. And I remind you what you are capable of, into, then I have to help you go do the scary thing. Because I know you don't want to come back and tell me that you didn't. That's what clients tell me all the time. They're like, I did it because I didn't want to tell you I hadn't done it. So we all need that kind of accountability. I have the same with my coach. We all need someone in our corner. LeBron James has people in his corner. All of the people at the top of the business world that you see the people with those huge epic successes, they have coaches, they have people in their corner, they spent money on themselves in their business in Yeah, I understand when you don't have the money. I paid for my first coach with money I didn't have I hear you it went on a credit card. But it was still the best decision I've ever made. And I appreciate the situation but I also know the difference it makes and I would not try to tell you about this difference if I didn't believe in it. And I didn't know the power of it. I see it every day in the work I do. Coaching makes a huge difference. I right this very moment. Have one group spot open for a group that starts April 1 which is very soon so if you would like to talk about it, you should send me an email at email@example.com or you should come on into my Facebook group and and tag me or like send me a Facebook message or a LinkedIn message. And I have two spots open for one on one coaching. But that's it like I'm almost at the edge of people. So if you want to talk about one on one coaching, please send a message, send an email, go to my website, which is Torpey coaching comm book a time to talk, please, it is the best choice you can make for yourself. And if you are like, You know what, I just need to be coached right now. I need one bite of coaching. I need 90 minutes for somebody to talk me out of my own way. And then I need to move on. We do that too. I have little one bite coaching sessions. They are $197 you get 90 minutes of me coaching you to death, no sales pitch. It's just me and you and coaching and then you get to leave. So if you want to do any of those things, please hit me up. And then if you want to buy the book that goes with the series, please please, please. It's on Amazon. I will link in the show notes. It's Just Keep Going. You should do just that. Just keep going. And I'll see you next week.